A Taste of my Dream

He's loving, teasing, nice and mean. He's all and nothing, bossy and giving. He's the monster of my dreams, a heaven and hell.

He knows what I want and when I want it. He's not easily manipulated, but controlling. He get's along with my friends only half-time.

They will never get him. And never like him. They will tell me he's no good for me, he's gonna ruing my life, he's everything I should stay away from.

He's everything I want, everything I need, yet quite the opposite. He's hot, cute, cosy and yummy at the same time. He's a sweet teddy bear and the scary monster hiding under my bed.

We never agree, yet we never disagree. We're complete opposite's and yet exactly the same. We're both used to getting yes, yet we both prefer to say no.

He makes me crazy for more, never would I admit it. I do the same to him, I see it in his eyes. I'm sure he can see the same in mine. And never would he admit it.

He both good and bad. He's the Devil that makes me want him, and the God that makes me keep him, in the perfect mix that makes me love him.


 "Alice"

My worst moments

Pain is not welcome in my world. I push it away, even as I know I should not, ignore it and pretend it's not there to the point when it's not anymore.

I go through every day with a smile on my face, and a straight back. Every time pain get's close, I put a smile on my face, straighten up and go on.

I don't let it in. I refuse to let any weekness show. I can get pissed of to far limits, and not show it. I can get hurt beyond repair, and not show it.

I am as emotionless as any rock when it comes to the bad side. I have a heart stronger than any diamond.

On the other side however, that is where I lie. Always relaxing, smiling, having a good time. That's where I belong.

My eyes gets blurry, I feel like my ribbs break every time I cough (and I cough a lot), my throat is ripped and I can barely walk straight.

And here I'm lieing in my bed, on my computer, math book beside me and loud music in my ears. And having an awesome time.

The smile plastered on my face, I'm going to school tomorrow to ace an exam in math, with a straight back and constant coughing. That might be interesting.

Life is no better than what you make it. So I make it a joy, even in my worst moments.


  "Alice"

Like + dislike

 Earlier today, I was trying to figure out an answer. Obviously to one of the bigger questions in life, but not a very famous one.

If I have both one like and one dislike, and they more or less equals each other in power, what do I have?

I came up with some answers... or I tried.

Like + dislike = I don't care

Like + dislike = OK

Like + dislike = don't know

Like + dislike = maybe

Like + dislike = whatever

Like + dislike = 0

like - like = 0

dislike = -like

like = like

like + dislike = 0

like = -dislike

Like / like = -dis

1= -dis

-1like = dislike

like + -1like = 0

like = 1like

1 = like/like

0 = 1-1

I feel like I'm going in circles. 

Help me please!

  "Alice"

Cute!

So cute. Not hot, just cute. Really cute. And nice. He could be my best friend AND my boyfriend.

Yeah, I'm back in thee game. New life, new boy, new joy. But this is different. I guess. It's not the usual "I want". It's a soft please.

There's no crazy in it. No "I'll do whatever", no "I want you now" or "need you now". He's just sweet.

I love how this one is not for the bad guy. I don't know if it will last, or even start, I don't care. I'll find out sooner or later. No rushing for the finish line this time.

I don't even know what the finish line is yet. I'm not sure how I feel. I guess I'll figure that out too, some time. Until then, I'm just holding on to the rollercoaster of life.

I also started a new book today. Or an old book, I've started it once before. But then for reasons not mentioned I stoped, and now I'm starting again.

Go Ask Alice - anonymus
This girl is writing a diary. And yes, it is a real life diary written by an actual girl who actually went through this. The book's author is "anonymus" for a reason. All the names of almost anything in the book has been changed or just replaced by a straight line.

What a life she's living. 15 years, she's on drugs, running away from home and starting a life, getting clean, going home, back on drugs and so on. It's like she can't decide when life is best. At home or away, clean or dirty.

It's really interesting. Easy to read, since it's a diary and written by a 15 year old. It's.. different. I don't really find it sad (at least for now I don't), but then again, I don't really find anything sad.

Obviously, the title, including "Alice", cought my attention. And there's all this talk about books, but there's no naming the books anywhere. She's mentioned Lewis Carroll though, so I'm betting she likes Alice's adventures in wonderland. That's probably where the name came from too.

I'm not sure if I would recommend this book. It's obviously not for everyone, and as I would not call the book bad, neither do I think I can call it good. Go ahead and try. If you don't like it, put it back where you got it.

  "Alice"


   Sooo cute!

If I had wings

How great it would have been to have wings. 

Up in the clouds, looking down at the beautiful earth. Be able to go wherever, whenever. Never needing to worry about the traffic.

I often wish for wings. Not only for these reasons, but also because I then would look as different as I feel. And I would be free, not stuck here. Never stuck.

I feel stuck quite often. It's not that I'm clastrophobic or anything, I just don't feel free to go where I'd like. And not because of my parents or because I don't have the money, but because where I want to go.. well, it's just not here.

People are in the way. They are everywhere. I can't avoid them. That's what I want. To get lost. Just walk around nothingness, find something more, something different. 

I often let my mind wander off to these place's, somethimes places I've read about other time new place's that don't exist. I really like Mirkwood, it's by far my favorite. I don't know why exactly, I just always liked it.

And as I wander around places of imagination, I can be anything. I can have wings. Come and go as I wish. Make a home where I want. I can be book-version-me (March 23rd). 

If I had wings, I would fly away, far away. I would come back after some time, I would just go away for a little while. Maybe try to sit on a cloud (yeah I know it's not gonna work), try to reach the impossible places, see the world. 

And just take some time off to sit in a dark forest and relax. Just not do anything. Or care about anything. And pretend again, to be something I'm not.

  "Alice"

Cloud sleeping

The world is moving backwards. I'm sitting on a cloud looking down at it. I'm having a good time up there. As I see at how many points in time my history book is wrong.

Wonder how long it would take to see the whole universe go back in time to... Well, before it existed. How fast I would have to go to make it before I die.

Of course, it would also depend on how long my life is. But I still think it would be way to fast to actually get anything out of it. Except maybe a cool blurry mess of light and color.

I don't think I would be able to watch it all from a cloud though. It seems kind of... Against nature. But then again, watching the universes development backwards down to scratch seems kind of against nature too.

It would have been fun. For a little while. But I think I would have gotten tired of it eventually. Probably pretty quick. I have the attention span of a five year old.

When I was five I actually had a dream about sleeping on a cloud. Or maybe I really was sleeping on a cloud. I'm not really sure.

You know how sometimes, you wake up, and your not sure if your dream really was a dream or if it actually happened? Cause it seemed so real? I used to have many of them. Now I don't anymore.

Or... I think I don't. Maybe I do, and I just don't think I do, because I'm sure they are all reality. Oh well, I'll stand corrected sooner or later.


  "Alice"

Fast Five and On Stranger Tides

So I got off my butt to go see On Stranger Tides. I loved it, it had those awesome  Captain Jack Sparrow escapes, it had the crazy girl, and mad Captain Barbossa.

Now, I would still have liked it to have a bit more of Mr. Sparrow in it and some less... No, just the more part. It was shorter than the other movies.

I guess the drama between Will and Elizabeth in those movies makes the lenght. Not that I missed the drama. Well, maybe a bit. I would have liked to see their son a bit.

Maybe the next movie can have some more of him. That would have been good. Already excited, I really hope there will be a 5th.

Tonight, I'm going to see Fast and Furious five. I'm really excited for it! I mean, the movies, I looooove them. The only thing they are missing to level with Pirates is.. well.. a Captain Jack Sparrow.

So yeah, tonight too will be a good night, like the last two have been, but I'll probably be really tired tomorrow morning. Oh well, whatever. I'll survive.

  "Alice"

Positive Complaining

Lot's of complaining, in as few and positive words as possible;

Pirates of Caribbean had it's premiere last night.
I was in bed.

No school today.
I was in bed or on the couch watching TV.

Thermos with hot water next to my bed.
To keep my body running.

Ate nothing but candy and flatbread today.
Ate that only so I wouldn't starve to death.

Watched a LOT of tv today.
Nothing good was on.

I could keep going. But I'm sure you got the main point; I missed the premiere. So dissappointed. But here are some more good looking movies (and of course I'm gonna go see Pirates as soon as possible).

Thor: helloo, Norse God. I'm a freak for old religions, so this one chaught my attention.

Fast and Furious five: Gorgeous cars. Gorgeous men. And lots of action. Need I say more?

Hangover 2: Number one is on my list of best comedy's. Let's see if number two can keep up.

Kung Fu Panda 2: OMFG, A FU*KING PANDA IS DOING KUNG FU!!!

Friends with Benefits: They are friends. With benefits. The guy's a wuss. It's doomed to fail.

Harry Potter 7: The whole name is to bloody long to write, and Harry Potter say's it all anyways.

  "Alice"

Look at you

Wow. Look at you. That slick smile on your face, as you look over at me. Just throwing a quick look. You think I can't see you?

You think you're so amazing. Just sitting over there. Noticing me notice you. Waiting for the right moment to walk over here and spit out some clichè awesome comment. Maybe about how hot you are. Probably.

Look at you. You just love yourself don't you. And of course, you're convinced I want you too. Just like every other girl in here. But I'll tell you a secret. I'm not like every other girl in here.

See, I have a brain. And I'm naturally blonde, not fake-blonde, like those bimbos looking at you. I'm real, head to toe. I have standards. And here comes the bomb-drop. I don't want you.

See that guy in the corner? That's the one I want. See that guy I know I'll never get? Yeah, that's the one. He's got a girl. I don't know if she's good enough for him.

I know I'm not though. I like playing around with you. Making you think I want you sooooo bad. Making you want me even more. I love it. I love the way you look at me, talk to me, and how your hands "accidentally" slip up my top.

I also love the face you make as I walk away, making it obvious I was just playing around. And how all the other girls are looking jealous.

So look at you. That slick smile. Pretending you're not looking at me. Give it up. You don't stand a chance.


  "Alice"

In some years

 In some years I think you are going to run a taklshow. You're loud, have some (a huge lot) awesome comments to totally normal everyday stuff and complain about everything. And I think you'll have a boyfriend. But you're not having sex, cause you are nervous. You're not a virgin, but last time (also first time and with your last boyfriend) hurt like hell.

In some years I think you'll be studying. You're still not completely sure what you want. You still have your best friend, and still kind of ego, but slowly going back to being the caring self you used to. You have a sweet boyfriend, but I don't think he's the one.

In some years, you are free of your parents and don't ever wanna go back home. You're having an awesome time with school and study's far away from home, with tons of new friends who don't mind your difference. We're not at the same place, but we try to get together as much as possible. You enjoy being single and having a good time.

In some years, I think you are a lawyer or something high up like that. You are already married, to a stay-home dad of three sweet kids. He doesn't mind you being the boss, he loves it actually. You live simple compared to your money, and you are good at saving.

In some years, I think you have money problems. You're married to your boyfriend and baby daddy, but he doesn't have a job, and big trubble getting one. You're pregnant again. Your life is not on top.

In some years, you have moved out. Still a gamer, and you love not having our parents around. It's pretty much all you ever do. But you have learned that school is something that will take time to, and don't mind that time. You have a girlfriend. She may or may not be the one.

In some years, I'm studying. Having a good time, away from home and friends, no judgement, nobody cares. I'm living my life as farout as possible. Doing a good job with school of course. But it won't suck up all my time. I have a boyfriend. We'll last for some time, but we're not really that serious or worried about the future. Just living life in the moment.

  "Alice"

I really want that

I really want that.

I can beg. Get down on my knees. I can talk smooth and smile sweetly. Wrap you around my little finger.

You are going to do everything I want you to. You know I can. I'm in control. I know what I want, and I know exactly how to get it.


See, if I really want something. There's not a question. There's the I want, and I'm going to get. There's no price to high. I can get the prices where I want them.


I know how to make you love me. How to make you breed and live for me. I know how to make you beg for more. And get down on your knees.

It's not going to matter if I do it first, cause at the final punch, I will be in complete control. And you will do whatever I want you to.

You know I'm right. You know how to say no, and I'm sure you notice how I'm not used to that. I'll win. Wait and see. I always do.

If it takes a bit longer, that's ok. I'm only in it for the game. The harder it get's, the longer the game will last, and the longer I will stay.

Don't worry. It's not like I forget. Or like it doesn't matter. I'm just made for fun. Up til now, you are the most interesting.

They all fall so easily. It's like they have no clue what happens to them. And I can do the same again and again. Come and go as I want. They'll all be there when I come back.

Not so sure about you. That's what makes you more fun. You don't give in. Sometimes, you almost know how to push me around.

But I really want that. And I am going to get it.

  "Alice"

the bonus and the catch

There's a bonus and there's a catch:

The bonus is they belive you.
The catch is you have to keep up the lie.

The bonus is you can do what you want.
The catch is no one is going to help you.

The bonus is you get were you want to go.
The catch is those that don't, will hate you.

The bonus is you're awesome.
The catch is someone will be jealous.

The bonus is you got friends.
The catch is they're not real.

The bonus is you have money.
The catch is you'll get used.

The bonus is you're a good writer.
The catch is someone else really wants to be, but they're not.

The bonus is you have a computer.
The catch is, it's stuffed with virus.

The bonus is your BF/GF is awesome.
The catch is you forget your friends.

The bonus is your parents likes you.
The catch is they treat your siblings much worse.

The bonus is you really love that TV show.
The catch is, it's on at the same time as your mom's show.

My bonus is my life is as good as perfect.
My catch is how I hate seing my friends have problems, and how it somehow, no matter what I do, kicks me in the balls.

Well, as long as it makes them feel better. But I really don't think it does. So why do they do it?

  "Alice"

The limegreen frog with blue dots and the dragon

I love how my head keeps on running off in weird directions. Like, not literally, but my thoughts sometimes gets from one more or less sensible place and ends up in the weirdest place ever.

See, a little while ago a friend told me, we have to have a next life. Not because of religion or anything, simply because no energy is ever lost. So sooner or later, our energy has to come back in some other shape.

It made sense to me. It's really logical, by the laws of physics. Or something. And here's what I said:

If I have had ealier lives, I think I used to be a limegreen frog with blue dots. Cause animals and plants sort of have the same energy that humans have. So then, I could just as well have been a limegreen frog with blue dots as anything else.

As I explained this to my friend, she agreed. She also thinks I used to live in China, were I was found by a girl named Lee-Ann.

Now, while I was a limegreen frog with blue dots in China, loved by a little girl, she was a feared dragon. And one day the Dragon, my best friend, grilled the limegreen frog with blue dots, me, alive. And ate me.

Ofcourse, being a limegreen frog with blue dots, I was poisonous. Not deadly to something as big as a dragon, but really weakening. And Lee-Ann was so mad. So as the Dragon was weakened from my limegreen-frog-with-blue-dots-poison, she went ahead and kicked the dragons butt, killing it.

And her village thought she had superpowers, and then the whole country, her family became rich and greedy and ran the land which used to be where China is now to the ground.

Now, me being a little limegreen frog with blue dots, ofcourse my energy would move on to the next body quicker than the huuuuge dragon. (The dragon takes longer to rot...) So since those days, I've had many lives, and now me and my old murderer, the Dragon, are best friends. And all this (in case you want to look it up), actually did happen in China, 3000 years ago.

Or in me and my best friends heads. I'm not sure. Either way it's awesome, and I used to be a limegreen frog with blue dots that got burned to death by my best friend the Dragon.

  "Alice"

lollipop flowers

Sugar is one of the worlds biggest wonders. So sweet and good, and it can be used for so much. Yummy sweet candy, salads, bread, pizza nutella, so much.

I am a candy freak. I love the sweet taste of melting chocolate on my tongue, licking lollipops and trying to eat licorice without touching it.

And the colors! Lollipops in millions of different colors and patterns. Strawberry red, blueberry blue, polka twists, yellow lemon and lime green. Black and red. Everything at once.

Someday, I want to live in a house of ginger snaps, in a garden of lollipop-flowers and cotton candy trees and a chocolate river and live sour frogs and candy snakes.

Water that tastes like sweet cherry, the softest fruits growing all year around. Imagine if candy was healthy. If you didn't get sick or fat from it. If you got energy that lasted all day. If sweets were nothing but good for you.

I'm a freak for sweets. Cookie monster, lollipop lover, chocolate crazy, sugar freak.


  "Alice"

Month of May

For a start; I'm quite dissappointed by no one ever trying to guess the song, which was Broken - Lifehouse.

But as it goes, I'm in a really good mood today. I had a great day yesterday, and a good afternoon on Friday. And I have this constant tingeling in my belly. Like butterflies. For no apparent reason. But I like them.

I'm pretty sure this next week is going to be awesome. I just have this feeling, this is going to be a good time. And I'm going to make the best I possibly can out of it. So should you.

May is a good month for everybody, not only me. It's the beginning of summer, end of winter, beautiful. School is out soon, you can take some weeks of work. The sun is up and heat is in.

Light dresses and partying, swimming, the best time of the year is about to start. Enjoy it!

As for me, May celebration is starting right now. By cleaning my room. I'll make some time to write something really good tonight.


 "Alice"

Thursday:

I feel... dead. Yet really happy. Kind of and odd mix, not sure if I like it or not. I really want my bed though, way  to little sleep lately.

New game, just for fun; every thursday I'm gonna post lyrics from a song, and it's your job to figure out what song. So here it comes:

And I am here still waiting, though I still have my doubts.

Good luck. I know what song it is.

So as I said, I'm really tired. Now I'm gonna try not to fail anything and actually get some very much needed sleep before tomorrow. Good idea? Yes.

  "Alice"

The summer of my life

Light is shining on me, sitting in my darkness, music in my ears. This is the life.

I watch my friends smile, there's no drama, nothing to worry about, nothing I have to do. My room is a mess, and I'm relaxing in bed.

Pictures remind me of fun times. Music put weird situations in my head. Texts, thing I wrote years ago. I'm starting to think, my life is getting better and better. It's a long way down, but I'm only going up.

I do nothing more than I absolutely have to, and I get by just fine like this. I take my time for me, to relax, watch stupid TV and shop crap for money I was gonna spend on something I actually need.

I love how the sun shines whenever I step outside. I love the colorful flowers, the blue sky. Green grass. The smells and sounds of summer.

My room starts to lighten up even before I go to bed at 5 am, with an open window, and birds keeping me awake. Wind in the trees. So calm.

I'm slowly getting somewhere in some of my books. I have so many unread, this summer will be the time to read them. This summer is when I get new books, after having read all of them.

And this summer will be when I have the most fun. When I laugh more, hand out with friends more, lie in the sun more, and meet a guy I actually like for longer than two weeks.

This will be the summer of my life.


  "Alice"

Control

Time is up. Now is the moment. The one I've been waiting for. This is it.

I have to make it. Jump. The long way down. But I'm not gonna fall. I know this crack. It's not the first time I jumped it.

I'm gonna make it, no doubt. And when it's behind me, I'll know for sure. I know already, this is the time. Now is when it has to be.

If it was my choice. I still think it would have been now. I am ready. I feel confident. I know I'm gonna get it right. I'm so sure, this is the right time.

I'm not scared. I think, if it was someone else, they would have been. But I'm not. I'm so sure. This is my field. And I'm gonna ace this test.

I feel so free. Knowing this is me. What I'm meant to do. Who I'm meant to be. It's so relaxing, to be so sure, there's nothing else.

I feel calm, completed. I know where I'm going. I know what I'm doing. For the first time ever. I'm so sure. I know. It feels good.

And I'm in control.

  "Alice"

Friends

As life is running away, I watch good moments pass and become memories, and the bad moments pass to become hunting nightmares.

Time comes and goes, and compared to eternity, we are nothing. But compared to ourselves, we are everything. We can remember yesterday like it happened years ago, or what happened years ago like it was yesterday.

We can make new friends and feel like we've known them forever, and wonder who the people we've known since first grade really are. We lose some and gain some.

And as my life is passing me by moment by moment, I love knowing this life is only mine to do with as I want. No one will ever have a life just like mine. It's special, different. 

And so am I. As I watch my friends grow up to love me or hate me. Some to be popular, some to be fun, some to be crazy. 

As I grow up, I don't know who is real and who's fake. My heart is a cold stone, and I really couldn't care less. As I hate the one who hurts my best friends, I know, if they dropped me, I wouldn't be hurt. 

I would be dissappointed. Yet, I think, not so suprised by all. And I know they'd be back. Not because I'm awesome or because they need me or anything like that. But because of those memories and nightmares.

Friendship is forever. I could never cut any of my friends out. Even if they cut me out first.

  "Alice"