Numbers

I see all these numbers, floating around in my books, years connected to people. Some of them seem so close to eachother. So little time. The lives they represent, the life of the name they are connected to, so short.

It makes me wonder where they are now. Or where I'm going. When I'm going. I'm not scared of death, but looking at those numbers, still make me nervous. I'm not sure why.

And as the numbers connect the people to time, and time is what defines their wisdom, I wonder if my numpbers some day will make me wise, or only a fool, a follower maybe. Am I ahead of my time, am I lost in the past, or just stuck in the moment?

I see how the numbers affect how the names make themselves known. The higher the numbers, the closer to todays knowledge the names are. What knowledge will be identifyed by my numbers? Will my name be one of the remembered once, written down together with those numbers? Will my mind live forever?

The thought somehow makes me feel free. Alive. Not scared, but nervous. Someday, I will be nothing but a name and some numbers. Those numbers, I hope, will not be my definition.

I want to be defined, not by my time, but by eternity. Past, presence and future. I wish not to be stuck with my numbers, my years and my time. I wish to go beyond them, be different. I wish for people in the future who sees my name, to wonder how I could have those numbers. Think I was not connected to my time at all.

I don't want to be a follower. Still, I don't think I want to be followed. I want to be heard, not seen. I want to be remembered, but not known. I wish only for a name in the future, and my life now.

And the numbers. They connect history. They connect people. Ways of thinking. They are the veins of the world, as we are the heart. If we are the lock, they will be our key. And they frighten me. Because, without the veins, the heart in itself, is worthless, and without the key, the lock useless.

  "Alice"