Hell

 I wish I didn't care. I wish I could just forget. I wish I didn't have to feel this way.

I don't know anymore. It hurts. It didn't before. I mean, it did, in some ways. But not this way. Not this bad.

And noone knows. Noone knows the torture I put myself through, watching you, forcing myself into looking at you, and pretend it's all ok. Smile like I always do. Pretend I don't mind you.

Maybe if you knew. But you don't. You won't. I will go through this torture. I will pretend to be fine. I will not care. I will lie, smile, laugh, fake it all.

But I really wish I didn't care. Like I pretend I don't. Like you think I don't. Like all my friends think I don't. Usually nothing matters. Usually I don't care.

But you, I can't forget. It hurts, every time I see you. Every time I think about you. I avoid pictures. I avoid talking about you, and listening to them talking about you. It hurts.

Yet, you're not the one that hurts my heart. You're the one that hurts my... I don't know. I can stand the one that makes me want to rip my heart out.

You're hurting my friends. And I'm doing nothing. I'm not standing up for them. Why not? Don't I want to? But I do. This feeling is proof.

I want to yell at you. Tell you exactly how much you make me hate you. Tell you how my hate burns holes in me. And yet I can't.

You are her friend. It seems she is in the way of everything. She's in the way of my Heaven and in the way of my Hell. I don't mind hurting people that hurts my friends. But if I hurt you, I hurt her as well.

I don't know what to do. I don't want this feeling. I wish I could like you. You're a nice guy, for most. But you  hurt my friends one time to many. And I don't know.

I really don't know.

  "Alice"