Starting again

It's been a long time. I have been busy, I didn't have time for my blog, so I quit. But now I sort of miss it - so I'll try to find time to start it up again.

I'm still as lost in blue eyes as ever. I love his smile, and the way he looks at me.
I'm still a writer, I love reading and listening to stories.
I'm still as happy with the way my life is going - happier than ever in fact!
I still have a self-confidence that will shine off on everything around me.

So now, just wait for what has changed. I'll tell you eventually.

  "Alice"

Behind blue eyes

Now, look at that. Those blue eyes still amaze me. That boyish smile. The innocent and yet teasing look. 

What happened? What did you do? How did you do it? I'm not hopelessly in love, I'm not jealous and I don't care wether you like me or not. 

You can walk away with her. Look at her like that, smile to her like that. Those eyes can be hers, I wouldn't care. But you interest me, in a completely different way than anyone else has ever done. I want to know you.

But how is that ever going to happen? They are my friends. Even if you send me that smile every time I see you at school, even if you look at me like that every time we talk, I never know what you want from me.

And I never know what I want from you. I don't know if I want the "ever after" or if you'll go away like everybody else have done, I don't know if I want a friend or a boyfriend, I don't know if I care or if I don't.

But I want you to notice me. I want to interest you the same way you interest me. I want something from you. So reach out a hand, and give it to me.

  "Alice"

Change the World

I want to write a song, artists all over the world wants to adapt and sing again.
I want to hold a speach, that all the great names in the world quotes from.
I want to tell a tale, that is told from generation to generation all over the world forever.
I want to make a poem, that everyone can mirror themselves in, and love what they see.

I want to stop warfare and weapon production.
I want to help millions, trillions and billions of people get a better life.
I want to read honorable titles of what I've done, in the biggest newspapers.
I want to grow a rain forrest, as big as those we have used to be.

I want to change the world for the better.

Then I want to sit back, relax, watch people try to do again all that I have done and slowly forget my name.
And last, I want to grow old, knowing I lived my life right.

  "Alice"

my mind

Sometimes, I can't decide if I'm a genius or just perfectly insane. I get scared, scared of my own mind. At the same time, I trust in it.

I trust in me. In the mind that constantly think new thoughts, in the mind that can't decide what to think or what it's own opinion is. I trust in myself to make decisions right for me, even when I don't know what I'm deciding.

My head is a shocking place to be. Way out of a square, it does not belong in any drawn shape. I don't think it would be even possible to make such a shape in our physical world.

The colors! The life, different smells, sights, sounds, impressions, everything. In my head, nothing is as it should be.

If I'm insane, can I at the same time be a genius? If I'm really that smart, how can I be mad? And if I'm neither, can I at the same time be both?

  "Alice"

Different

People staring. Always, there's always somebody staring at me.

Today it's because I changed my hair. Or actually, hid my hair in a wig. I look.... different. Quite different.

I never get over how easily people judge each other. I usually do get a lot of stares for being loud, for dressing slightly different, for being myself and not the usual follower of everyone else.

They stare, they talk, they like, dislike and judge. Always. Now, I don't mind them takling about me. Or staring. I don't care if they don't like what I do, though if they do like it, I like them. For just one moment, or maybe for ever. 

I know my friends find me crazy, sometimes embarresing. But I've had people I don't know walk up to me and ask me "where do you get that self-confidence from?". I've heard people say "I want to be her, and be able to do whatever and not care what people think". 

I was there once. I grew up around this girl, she was not well liked, rather constantly picked on for many years. I do not know how she felt about it, but she didn't change. She stayed strong and proud, and I thought "some day, I want to be like that".

Today, she is the coolest person I know. Her self-confidence is shining like ten million stars, and she is herself. Always herself. She is as different as anyone could be, and yet she is no more or less then herself exactly. She showed me the way to where I am today, and I will love her forever for it.

Yet, I can't get over how easily people judge. They are all jealous, saying they wish they had that confidence, but when they see someone lucky enough to have it, they talk crap. This person is not good enough for them.

I sure wonder why so many don't have the guts to be themselves.

  "Alice"

Bigger

The ring on my finger, I walk out the door, straight back, a smile on my lips.

Proud and loving, a new day, fresh like never before, today is the first day in the rest of my life.

And I'm gonna make it count, for every single second.

I work, I do what I do and what I can, and maybe just a bit more. I feel good, I always bring the smile with me, doesn't matter where I'm going.

I'm gonna get to the top, work with every bone in my body, I will get there, and I will do something big. Something so big, they will remember me 2500 years from now.

I'm gonna be bigger than the philosophs of the Antiquity. I want to be the biggest name that ever lived.

  "Alice"

Caring

I feel exposed, in a weird kind of way. I'm not sure if I care of if I don't.

I don't mind the cold grey sky. It's like a reflection in the mirror, and at the same time an inverted photograph.

Winter is moving in. Slowly, but surely, it's getting colder. It's wet outside. Wet and muddy. Everything seems dirty. Soon, it will be white and snowy, and then everything will seem clean. And it will be colder.

All the drama that goes on around me. Dragging me in, tieing me to a solid stone wall with chains of hard metal. I don't want to know. I don't want to be told, I don't want to think about it, I don't want to care.

But that is not all. It's again. And I don't know if I mind.

Is my life still the same quiet hole as it's been for the past few years?
Am I still the same?

What will become of me, when I always back away from what matters to them? Why should I stay alongside them, when all they do is create the drama I hate so much?

I don't get why they care. I don't get why I should care. Yet I do, in some way, to some extend, I do.

But the dark road ahead, I do not see where ends, or where goes. And maybe it is not my road to follow.

Time will tell. And if my patience don't run out, I'll know.

Let's for now, just sit back and relax. Caring is just a waste of precious energy.

  "Alice"

Blue eyes

I'm so lost in blue eyes, I can't think

That shining smile sent in my direction, I can't think.

Those words I was unable to catch, I can't think.

Trying to answet, I can't think.

Even when he's not around, I can't think.

Even when I need to concentrate, I can't think.

Shining forever in my head, I can't think.

I can't read, I can't see, I can't think.

So lost in blue eyes, I can't think.

  "Alice"

The Amulet of Samarkand

Such a long time since I last read that book. I picked it up again last night. I didn't expect it be any good.

Last time I read it (also the first time I read it) was years ago. I liked the story back then. It was just about childish enough, and so easily read. e

After having read Tolkien, Hemingway, Michael White and god knows what not, I didn't expect that book to be much. Just a memory of a passed time. Just relaxing with an easy, meaningless book.

And I loved it. The way it's written, like it tells a true story. The way it's talking about how impossibly dumb and ignorant most humans are. Oh yes, the writer himself and how amazingly good he is at putting the words together.

And how I could think this an easily read story all those years ago! Ok, I understand, most of the words can be ignored and I'll still get the point of the sentence. Every sentence is filled to the brinks with unuseful, yet marvellously colorful words and information. I love it.

And how the story I once thought pointless, it is to massive degrees and without doubt filled with complexities of an absolutely incredibly impressive imagination. 

I literally cannot belive this book just stood there on my schelf for so long, and I never bothered to look at it a second time. I can't belive that a book that gave me everything I wanted when I was a kid and only looking for the story, gives me more than I could ever imagine from any book after having read works written by the greatest authors of all time. 

I have never read anything like this, and never again will I underestimate a book.

  "Alice"

My Head

The music in my ears, my head running wild.

I'm having a good time, I'm entertained by my own mind and imagination.

You would have loved to be inside my head.

But try for now, only to understand your own.

What are you thinking about?

  "Alice"

Autumn

It smells like autumn outside. So sweet and colorful, lovely.

Autumn is my favorite time of the year. Not because school starts again, or because the temperature is droppig, or because it's constantly raining, but because it's the most colorful time of the year. It's the time of year that creates the most inspiration.

Autumn is when everything can happen. I would honestly not be surprised if a cow stuck it's head in my window right now. I wouldn't even blink if a tiny, pink dragon shot out of my closet and started to twist and twirl around my room, spitting sparks.

I feel like singing and dancing, I wanna run under a full moon, I can't wait to yell and scream out to the world how wonderous the it is!

Sometimes I dream about the cool autumn rain always falling, about the leaves of the trees always being yellow, red and pink, the grass always as green as right before the first snow falls, and the sweet autumn smell always stealing into my room.

I don't mind the grey sky or pouring rain. It's what makes me feel alive. Oh, how I love running in the wet grass, and the fresh smell in the morning after a rainy night. It's what makes the world spin.

Autumn is the only time I can walk outside all day in a simple t-shirt, and yet when night comes, just wait for when I can crawl under the warm sheets in my bed and dream good dreams. It's the only time of year when night and day are equally good.

And it's the time of year when anything can happen. Anything.

  "Alice"

Dream room

Imagine a room. It's perfectly empty and completely white. Look around you. Make sure the walls are blank, and floors and sealing is clean.

Now, put a fireplace in the corner. A real fire burning in all kinds of colors. Salty wood from the sea, green, blue, red, yellow, pink, flames in colors you can only imagine.

Then put a chair in another corner, on the same wall. On the wall, in the exact middle, put a door. And a door handle. And a key hole.

Next to the chair on the other wall, put a table, and then another chair. Put a window on the wall behind the second chair, and then a shelf of good books on the other side of the window. Make sure they are all good books.

Put a painting or a picture on the opposite wall. Put a sofa beneath it, with a small table on the side away from the fireplace.

Fill the room up with what you wish, flowers, more pictures, TV, PC, family and friends. Paint the walls in what colors you want them.

Send me a picture of it, livinginalicesworld@hotmail.com , or post it on a website and give me a link.

Enjoy your dream room.

  "Alice"

Dreams

I tdon't feel the pain anymore. There is no more pain. I feel joy. I feel happiness. I feel free. The pain is gone.

I love it! I love my life, I love school, I love the bright blue eyes, I love my friends, I love my room, I love it all!

It's ok that I don't know. I think it will work out, one way ore another. It's ok that I don't know what will happen, because I also don't quite know what I want to happen.

Although, I kind of do. I dream. I dream alot these days. I dream about what I want to happen, what can't happen, what might happen, and sometimes, just sometimes, I dream about looking into those eyes again.

Of dreams, you can learn so much. You can learn your hearts desires, or your deepest fears. You can learn to look and not see, and to see without looking. You can learn to love and to hate. But mostly, you learn what you long for.

I long for freedom. I long for a hug, a touch. I long to be noticed. I long to dance in the wicked light of a full moon at midnight. I long to walk up those stairs again. I long to read books I don't have time to read, and to write what I don't yet know what means. And I long to look into blue eyes again.

I long to sing to the guitar playing. I long to dance around a dark room. I long to ask stupid questions and get serious answers. I long to lean on a shoulder and sleep. I long to live in love once again.

I do know what will happen. I do know what I want. I want to look into those eyes, and see that smile, hear the laugh, the voice talking. And I will. I will soon, and then again, and again. And I can't wait.

I can't wait!

  "Alice"

So Lovely

So lovely, fine blue sky.
So lovely, birds singing, sun always out, good movies.
So lovely, seeing friends again after a long summer.
So lovely, looking foreward to a year full of learning things I actually want to learn.
So lovely, fine blue sky.

So lovely, the boy with shiny blue eyes.
So lovely, the way he smiles when he says "hi" in the hallways.
So lovely, how he plays guitar like he was born for it.
So lovely, the drawings on he's bedroom wall.
So lovely, the boy with shiny blue eyes.

So lovely, burning candles in my bedroom.
So lovely, bed, pillows and blankets.
So lovely, a good book by Michael White.
So lovely, the soft music in the background.
So lovely, burning candles in my bedroom.

So lovely, the thoughts in my head.
So lovely, sitting next to him on a sofa.
So lovely, and fine features.
So lovely, the laugh when I say something funny.
So lovely, the thoughts in my head.

So lovely, learning the thoughts of men long gone.
So lovely, Shakespeares famous plays.
So lovely, the forbidden works of the classical antiquity.
So lovely, the many believes in different Gods.
So lovely, learning the thoughts of men long gone.

So lovely, the boy with shiny blue eyes.
So lovely, the way he looked at me today, from across the cafeteria.
So lovely, writing songs on the guitar.
So lovely, the pencil hits a blank sheet and a picture is made.
So lovely, the boy with shiny blue eyes.

  "Alice"

PS: I'm sorry for not being very active lately, I've had some connection problems with my internet. It's not fixed yet, so no pictures.

This time

Today is a day the internet is actually working. But it's still raining outside my window. But then again, I'm also still talking to him. And that other guy.

That other guy... I'm not sure what he is. He's not normal. He's cute, nice, always talking. And in love with my best friend. That's kind of funny, he talks more to me than to her. But that's just because she's impossible to get a hold of.

So him. He's... not normal either. But in a different way. He's older in years and in mind. He's nice, fun, good. And not a regular kid I can trick into doing and saying what I want them to.

So this time... I don't know what's going to happen. I don't even know what I want to happen. I'm not sure if I like him. Maybe I do. But right now, it doesn't matter.

He makes me smile. With every word, everything he says, I smile. And relax. I'm never nervous around him.

And I don't mind, whatever happens. This time, life decides, I'm not going to try.

  "Alice"

I really want that

I really want that.

I can beg. Get down on my knees. I can talk smooth and smile sweetly. Wrap you around my little finger.

You are going to do everything I want you to. You know I can. I'm in control. I know what I want, and I know exactly how to get it.

See, if I really want something. There's not a question. There's the I want, and I'm going to get. There's no price to high. I can get the prices where I want them.

I know how to make you love me. How to make you breed and live for me. I know how to make you beg for more. And get down on your knees.

It's not going to matter if I do it first, cause at the final punch, I will be in complete control. And you will do whatever I want you to.

You know I'm right. You know how to say no, and I'm sure you notice how I'm not used to that. I'll win. Wait and see. I always do.

If it takes a bit longer, that's ok. I'm only in it for the game. The harder it get's, the longer the game will last, and the longer I will stay.

Don't worry. It's not like I forget. Or like it doesn't matter. I'm just made for fun. Up til now, you are the most interesting.

They all fall so easily. It's like they have no clue what happens to them. And I can do the same again and again. Come and go as I want. They'll all be there when I come back.

Not so sure about you. That's what makes you more fun. You don't give in. Sometimes, you almost know how to push me around.

But I really want that. And I am going to get it.

  "Alice"

Love and Hate

Some sins are just not done to be forgiven. Some are meant to create hate, to burn holes in your heart.

And some times, what you need to do is get over yourself, get over them, and show the world you can put the fire out before you get your heart permanently damaged.

Hate is both powerful and dangerous, it's not to be embraced but pushed away, and never allowed to set root in anyone.

And as hate is, that is also love, powerful and dangerous, but at the same time it's the quite opposite. Let it take over your heart, make it home, and give it to everyone. Even those who hate.

For love turns hate into fear

  "Alice"

Burning hate

The hate is burning deep in my heart, bigger and bigger for every second, if I could get my claws in you.

I hope you regret it, I know you don't, you belive to strong for your own good. You killed her.

Now I would kill you slowly, torture, the pain crushing through your body, begging, screaming, never could you imagine what I would do to you.

Every second the fire gets bigger and darker, as I hear your screams in my head, though they aren't real they make me feel good. Warm. And at peace.

And as the hate grows for you, the love grows for them. I would do anything to keep them safe. You want to kill them. Now where would that leave you?

And as my hate grows for you, the hate of the whole world will against you, and the love will back up those you touched. You will lose.

And we will show every other foul soul, you have no home on our earth.

  "Alice"

Give love a home in your heart, love them and let them love you back, show you care and put a smile on someones face, and give your heart to those that need it the most.


To Norway, and everyone touched by the tragedy.

Gone + Mare

I'm reading again. And every single time I start a new book again, I don't get why I didn't start before. It's so calming, just floating through the books, not having a care in the world as you dissappear into worlds unknown.

I'm now going to start Gone - two. I also have number three, to read. I don't think they will take too long. I read number one a long time ago, I liked it. It was different. Somewhat interesting.

I'm also reading a Norwegian book, Mare. Or the series, more like it. Three books, I got through the first one, and two thirds of the second one today. They are really easy, and more like childrens-books. Probably because they are childrens books.

I'm not going to tell you to go read them. They are childrens books, odd - in a good way I think, and very not for anyone.

But the Gone-books are really good, them you really should read. They are not hard reading. Nor really easy. Stuck somewhere in the middle. And they are good reading, big books, but quick and entertaining.

Now, I'm going to get some sleep before my.. 35 hours (give or take) of plans and tiny breaks that can't be used for anything but drink energy drinks.

  "Alice"

Time

So, staring at the wall... I feel like I have nothing to do... Yet so much. And I feel relaxed.

I know next week will not be my best. It just doesn't feel that way. Neither will it be bad. I think it will be just average.

Boring. Not so much to do, yet enough to get me tired. I'll have time to write. A lot. Probably every day. Though maybe not Tuesday.

That is going to be a good day. Harry Potter, the last one. We have finally reached the finish line. The final one. There will be no more.

I'm kind of scared that the movie will dissappoint me. But I think it will be good. I think it will be great! Can't wait!

And my project is still ongoing, "Verses from the Lord of the Rings - Book 1" was just the beginning.

And I'm sorry it takes so much time.

  "Alice"