Starting again

It's been a long time. I have been busy, I didn't have time for my blog, so I quit. But now I sort of miss it - so I'll try to find time to start it up again.

I'm still as lost in blue eyes as ever. I love his smile, and the way he looks at me.
I'm still a writer, I love reading and listening to stories.
I'm still as happy with the way my life is going - happier than ever in fact!
I still have a self-confidence that will shine off on everything around me.

So now, just wait for what has changed. I'll tell you eventually.

  "Alice"

Behind blue eyes

Now, look at that. Those blue eyes still amaze me. That boyish smile. The innocent and yet teasing look. 

What happened? What did you do? How did you do it? I'm not hopelessly in love, I'm not jealous and I don't care wether you like me or not. 

You can walk away with her. Look at her like that, smile to her like that. Those eyes can be hers, I wouldn't care. But you interest me, in a completely different way than anyone else has ever done. I want to know you.

But how is that ever going to happen? They are my friends. Even if you send me that smile every time I see you at school, even if you look at me like that every time we talk, I never know what you want from me.

And I never know what I want from you. I don't know if I want the "ever after" or if you'll go away like everybody else have done, I don't know if I want a friend or a boyfriend, I don't know if I care or if I don't.

But I want you to notice me. I want to interest you the same way you interest me. I want something from you. So reach out a hand, and give it to me.

  "Alice"

Change the World

I want to write a song, artists all over the world wants to adapt and sing again.
I want to hold a speach, that all the great names in the world quotes from.
I want to tell a tale, that is told from generation to generation all over the world forever.
I want to make a poem, that everyone can mirror themselves in, and love what they see.

I want to stop warfare and weapon production.
I want to help millions, trillions and billions of people get a better life.
I want to read honorable titles of what I've done, in the biggest newspapers.
I want to grow a rain forrest, as big as those we have used to be.

I want to change the world for the better.

Then I want to sit back, relax, watch people try to do again all that I have done and slowly forget my name.
And last, I want to grow old, knowing I lived my life right.

  "Alice"

my mind

Sometimes, I can't decide if I'm a genius or just perfectly insane. I get scared, scared of my own mind. At the same time, I trust in it.

I trust in me. In the mind that constantly think new thoughts, in the mind that can't decide what to think or what it's own opinion is. I trust in myself to make decisions right for me, even when I don't know what I'm deciding.

My head is a shocking place to be. Way out of a square, it does not belong in any drawn shape. I don't think it would be even possible to make such a shape in our physical world.

The colors! The life, different smells, sights, sounds, impressions, everything. In my head, nothing is as it should be.

If I'm insane, can I at the same time be a genius? If I'm really that smart, how can I be mad? And if I'm neither, can I at the same time be both?

  "Alice"

Different

People staring. Always, there's always somebody staring at me.

Today it's because I changed my hair. Or actually, hid my hair in a wig. I look.... different. Quite different.

I never get over how easily people judge each other. I usually do get a lot of stares for being loud, for dressing slightly different, for being myself and not the usual follower of everyone else.

They stare, they talk, they like, dislike and judge. Always. Now, I don't mind them takling about me. Or staring. I don't care if they don't like what I do, though if they do like it, I like them. For just one moment, or maybe for ever. 

I know my friends find me crazy, sometimes embarresing. But I've had people I don't know walk up to me and ask me "where do you get that self-confidence from?". I've heard people say "I want to be her, and be able to do whatever and not care what people think". 

I was there once. I grew up around this girl, she was not well liked, rather constantly picked on for many years. I do not know how she felt about it, but she didn't change. She stayed strong and proud, and I thought "some day, I want to be like that".

Today, she is the coolest person I know. Her self-confidence is shining like ten million stars, and she is herself. Always herself. She is as different as anyone could be, and yet she is no more or less then herself exactly. She showed me the way to where I am today, and I will love her forever for it.

Yet, I can't get over how easily people judge. They are all jealous, saying they wish they had that confidence, but when they see someone lucky enough to have it, they talk crap. This person is not good enough for them.

I sure wonder why so many don't have the guts to be themselves.

  "Alice"

Bigger

The ring on my finger, I walk out the door, straight back, a smile on my lips.

Proud and loving, a new day, fresh like never before, today is the first day in the rest of my life.

And I'm gonna make it count, for every single second.

I work, I do what I do and what I can, and maybe just a bit more. I feel good, I always bring the smile with me, doesn't matter where I'm going.

I'm gonna get to the top, work with every bone in my body, I will get there, and I will do something big. Something so big, they will remember me 2500 years from now.

I'm gonna be bigger than the philosophs of the Antiquity. I want to be the biggest name that ever lived.

  "Alice"

Caring

I feel exposed, in a weird kind of way. I'm not sure if I care of if I don't.

I don't mind the cold grey sky. It's like a reflection in the mirror, and at the same time an inverted photograph.

Winter is moving in. Slowly, but surely, it's getting colder. It's wet outside. Wet and muddy. Everything seems dirty. Soon, it will be white and snowy, and then everything will seem clean. And it will be colder.

All the drama that goes on around me. Dragging me in, tieing me to a solid stone wall with chains of hard metal. I don't want to know. I don't want to be told, I don't want to think about it, I don't want to care.

But that is not all. It's again. And I don't know if I mind.

Is my life still the same quiet hole as it's been for the past few years?
Am I still the same?

What will become of me, when I always back away from what matters to them? Why should I stay alongside them, when all they do is create the drama I hate so much?

I don't get why they care. I don't get why I should care. Yet I do, in some way, to some extend, I do.

But the dark road ahead, I do not see where ends, or where goes. And maybe it is not my road to follow.

Time will tell. And if my patience don't run out, I'll know.

Let's for now, just sit back and relax. Caring is just a waste of precious energy.

  "Alice"

Blue eyes

I'm so lost in blue eyes, I can't think

That shining smile sent in my direction, I can't think.

Those words I was unable to catch, I can't think.

Trying to answet, I can't think.

Even when he's not around, I can't think.

Even when I need to concentrate, I can't think.

Shining forever in my head, I can't think.

I can't read, I can't see, I can't think.

So lost in blue eyes, I can't think.

  "Alice"

The Amulet of Samarkand

Such a long time since I last read that book. I picked it up again last night. I didn't expect it be any good.

Last time I read it (also the first time I read it) was years ago. I liked the story back then. It was just about childish enough, and so easily read. e

After having read Tolkien, Hemingway, Michael White and god knows what not, I didn't expect that book to be much. Just a memory of a passed time. Just relaxing with an easy, meaningless book.

And I loved it. The way it's written, like it tells a true story. The way it's talking about how impossibly dumb and ignorant most humans are. Oh yes, the writer himself and how amazingly good he is at putting the words together.

And how I could think this an easily read story all those years ago! Ok, I understand, most of the words can be ignored and I'll still get the point of the sentence. Every sentence is filled to the brinks with unuseful, yet marvellously colorful words and information. I love it.

And how the story I once thought pointless, it is to massive degrees and without doubt filled with complexities of an absolutely incredibly impressive imagination. 

I literally cannot belive this book just stood there on my schelf for so long, and I never bothered to look at it a second time. I can't belive that a book that gave me everything I wanted when I was a kid and only looking for the story, gives me more than I could ever imagine from any book after having read works written by the greatest authors of all time. 

I have never read anything like this, and never again will I underestimate a book.

  "Alice"

My Head

The music in my ears, my head running wild.

I'm having a good time, I'm entertained by my own mind and imagination.

You would have loved to be inside my head.

But try for now, only to understand your own.

What are you thinking about?

  "Alice"